


For love, I was cruel to you

by 5ftjewishcactus



Series: Unlove You Prompt Fills [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alcohol, Anxious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Aziraphale's Bookshop (Good Omens), Caring Crowley (Good Omens), Couch Cuddles, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drinking & Talking, Fluff, Love Confessions, No Sex, No Smut, Other, Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Wine, Worried Aziraphale (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-31 06:36:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21101033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5ftjewishcactus/pseuds/5ftjewishcactus
Summary: Finally allowed to be alone together without fear of their respective sides, Aziraphale looks back on all the times he kept Crowley at arms length, all while knowing how the demon felt about him and what it means for them now.





	For love, I was cruel to you

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Unlove You Prompt "I'm cruel." Prompts from [un-love-you](https://un-love-you.livejournal.com/) on livejournal.

After lunch they returned to the bookshop so Aziraphale could see it properly for himself. Despite wanting to see his beloved bookshop in all its restored glory, Aziraphale couldn't help watching Crowley as he swaggered into the backroom, dropping his sunglasses on the table and draping himself on the couch. Aziraphale watched all of it, because he could now. Not that he hadn't watched Crowley before, but it had been different.  
  
He'd been hiding from his own feelings, trying to protect them both by telling himself they were just friends. That they only spent time together because of the arrangement. Nothing more and nothing less. But now… Now Aziraphale could watch Crowley as he made himself at home in Aziraphale's shop, because he was home in the shop. It was their place and they were on their side and Aziraphale could stare openly at Crowley with all the feelings he hadn't let himself.  
  
"Go on. Have a look around," Crowley said, smiling at Aziraphale.  
  
Aziraphale nodded and began looking around. It was as Crowley had said. Not a smudge. Not a book burned. Everything back just as it was.  
  
"There's some new books by your desk," Crowley said.  
  
Aziraphale made his way over to his desk and spotted the row of red books. They certainly were new. And definitely not the type of books he would've bought himself.   
  
"Oh. I'm not sure if these really… fit with my collection," he said, picking up one of the books and reading the summary on the back.  
  
"Perhaps we could give it them to Adam. Belated happy birthday slash thanks for not destroying the world gift," Crowley suggested.  
  
Aziraphale frowned. "You don't re-gift a gift to the person who gifted it to you, Crowley. That's just bad manners."  
  
Crowley made a noise. "Warlock then. A belated happy birthday slash sorry for ruining your adolescence gift."  
  
Aziraphale's frowned deepened. "We didn't ruin his adolescence. Did we?"  
  
"Well, we did spend six years putting a lot of… conflicting ideas in his head because we thought he was the antichrist."  
  
With a sigh, Aziraphale conceded that Crowley was right. Perhaps the books would be a good gift for the boy. He set the book back down with the rest and looked over the rest of his desk, noting that his angel wing mug was exactly where he'd left it, still half full of cold cocoa. With a snap he emptied and cleaned the mug. Ready for a new cuppa later. He looked around the bookshop again, momentarily thinking about trying to catalogue the new books, but Crowley made a noise that drew his attention.  
  
"Everything as it should be, then?" Crowley asked.  
  
"Yes." Aziraphale smiled and made his way to the backroom to join his friend.  
  
Crowley slouched further onto the couch. "Think an eleven years old antichrist put the wine back, too?"  
  
"I don't see why not."  
  
With that, Aziraphale went over to his wine cabinet and inspected the bottles inside. Most of his previous bottles were all restores, as they should be. There were two new bottles though, ones he didn't recognize. He grabbed one of the new ones, labelled as a pinot noir, and one of his older ones, a cabernet sauvignon.  
  
"Everything same as before, but a couple of new ones, too." he said, setting the bottles on the table.  
  
"Should be interesting," Crowley replied, sitting up.  
  
It was then that Aziraphale saw those yellow eyes unguarded, since everything had happened. He'd seen them after they'd swapped, when it was him looking back at Crowley's face in the mirror. But this was Crowley, looking at him, since everything. They were on their own sides now. There was nothing to stop them from finally being together. Aziraphale knew how Crowley felt. He'd always known. But it had been too dangerous. Aziraphale had wanted to keep Crowley close, but had feared what heaven and hell would do to them, to Crowley, if they ever found out. He knew now exactly what they would do, not just to Crowley, but to him as well.  
  
They'd both risked so much and yet… Aziraphale had never stopped to consider, in all the time that they'd known each other, the Arrangement, just how much he had to lose, if it all went wrong. Worse than that, he'd ignored his own feelings for years, centuries and decades even, while being acutely aware of Crowley's and at times, using those feelings for his own selfish gain.  
  
"I'm cruel," Aziraphale said, suddenly turning away from Crowley.  
  
"What?" Crowley asked.  
  
"I'm cruel," Aziraphale repeated. "To you."  
  
"What is this about?" Crowley stood and moved closer, causing Aziraphale to look at him again. "We both said things we didn't mean the last couple of days. It's fine."  
  
Aziraphale shook his head. "Not just the last few days. For years. I've kept you so close, out of my own selfishness."  
  
Crowley moved a step closer again. "I've stayed close to you of my own free will."  
  
"But I've known," Aziraphale said, trying to find the right words to make Crowley understand. "How you've felt. How could I not know? I tried to deny it, to ignore it. At first. But then I used it. To keep you close. Because I'm selfish and cruel."  
  
It was Crowley's turn to shake his head. "You didn't make me stay, angel. I stayed on my own." Crowley tried to reach out and touch Aziraphale, but the angel stepped back, away from him. "Angel."  
  
Another step back. "I don't deserve you, Crowley."  
  
"But you do!" Crowley stepped into Aziraphale's space again with one stride. "You do deserve me. You never did anything or made me do anything I wasn't already going to do."  
  
Aziraphale wrung his hands nervously. "But I… I used your feelings for me. I denied my own feelings, while using yours."  
  
Crowley scowled. "So? I let you. I could've said no. But I didn't want to."  
  
"But…"  
  
"No!" Crowley held up a finger to silence Aziraphale. "I knew what you were doing. Every time you bat your eyes at me. Hamlet's success. Cleaning your coat. Whatever. I did it because I wanted to. I could've said no, but I didn't want to. Your happiness was more important."  
  
Aziraphale looked away a moment, before looking at Crowley again. "That's just the thing! I've done that for so long now, it's like second nature to look to you. I don't know how to stop."  
  
"Then don't." Crowley placed his hands on Aziraphale's shoulders. "You know how I feel. And you feel the same."  
  
It wasn't a question but Aziraphale nodded anyway.  
  
"Then let me do things for you." His hands squeezed Aziraphale's shoulders. "Let me take care of you."  
  
Aziraphale gave a little nod. "I still don't deserve you."  
  
"You do." Crowley nodded. "And I will spend the next six thousand years proving it to you, if I have to."  
  
Aziraphale smiled. "I don't think it'll take that long, my dear. But please be patient with me. I do want this. Our side."  
  
"Of course, angel. Always." Crowley rested his forehead against Aziraphale's.  
  
After a moment, Aziraphale reached out and put his arms around Crowley's waist. The demon pulled his angel close, wrapping his arms around Aziraphale's round middle, and held him close.  
  
"Better?" he asked.  
  
"Yes. Thank you."  
  
"Good. And if you call yourself cruel again, at least in relation to us, I will thump you behind the ear."  
  
That got a chuckle from Aziraphale and Crowley smiled. He leaned back to look at Aziraphale who smiled at him.  
  
"Right. Drinks," Crowley said, letting Aziraphale go and turning to the table. "Let's find out how bad this wine from Adam is."  
  
Crowley picked up the new bottle and studied the label a moment before opening it. Aziraphale smiled as Crowley sniffed at it and made a face.  
  
"Not good?" he asked, sitting down in his chair while Crowley opened the second bottle.  
  
"Doesn't smell good, but we'll see."  
  
Crowley left both bottles open on the table to breathe and sat back down on the couch.  
  
"You know I'd never leave you, right?" Crowley asked.  
  
"I know," Aziraphale replied. "It scared me. Sometimes."  
  
"Did it?"  
  
Aziraphale nodded again. He'd been in such denial of his own feelings, early on, that every time Crowley appeared ready and willing to save him or help him, Aziraphale felt another brick in the wall go up that he was metaphorically putting around his heart. He couldn't risk letting Crowley in. Couldn't risk Heaven or Hell hurting him. In the end, the only person he'd ever hurt was himself.  
  
"I thought maybe you had. Once. After our fight," he said, thinking back on that could autumn morning in St. James Park.  
  
"No. Not even then," Crowley said, shifting where he sat.  
  
"I didn't see or hear from you for eighty years. I thought we weren't friends anymore."  
  
"It wasn't eighty years for me," Crowley said, looking away from Aziraphale a moment. "There was an incident. Uh… early twentieth century. You were meeting a bookseller, in Brighton, at some little marketplace."  
  
Aziraphale nodded. He remembered the man. Kind enough, but had bargained too much for the book he was selling. Trying to get Aziraphale to pay more than it was actually worth, even if the book had been a first edition.  
  
Crowley's eyes bore into Aziraphale as he continued. "Someone else wanted that book. Someone who wasn't going to pay for it. He was going to follow you, get you alone in an alley. Stab you and take the book, leave you for dead."  
  
Aziraphale frowned. "Oh. Oh… how terrible."  
  
"He never made it to the marketplace."  
  
"Oh, Crowley."  
  
Crowley shook his head. "He wasn't a good man, angel. Killing you would've been the least of his crimes."  
  
Aziraphale swallowed. "Well… thank you."  
  
Crowley nodded. Aziraphale stood and poured their wine. He offered Crowley a glass of the new wine first and sat next to him on the couch.  
  
"Cheers," Aziraphale said, holding his glass out to Crowley.  
  
"Cheers." Crowley tipped his close towards Aziraphale's.  
  
Both took a tentative sip, followed by Crowley making a sound of disgust as he let the wine spill back into the glass. Aziraphale made a face but swallowed his sip.  
  
"That's…" Crowley said, sticking his tongue out as though that would remove the awful taste.  
  
"Not good," Aziraphale finished.  
  
"Disgusting," Crowley corrected.  
  
Aziraphale gave him a look. "He's eleven. He doesn't know what wine tastes like. I'm sure he did his best."  
  
Crowley gave a look back. "Why go through all the trouble?"  
  
"Last chance to use his powers, perhaps?"  
  
Crowley nodded, conceding to that. He took the glasses and left them on the table, grabbing the other bottle and returning to Aziraphale's side on the couch. They'd shared an entire bottle while waiting at the bus stop the previous night. He offered the bottle to Aziraphale first, who took it and drank a significant amount. Crowley chuckled and took the bottle back, taking his own hearty swig.  
  
Aziraphale shifted closer to Crowley and took the bottle from the demon's hand.  
  
"You hugged me," he said, taking a sip.  
  
"I did." Crowley reached for the bottle again but Aziraphale held it out of his grasp. "What?"  
  
"We've never hugged before."  
  
Crowley looked to Aziraphale, trying to read where the angel was going with it. "Should… I not have?"  
  
"No. I mean… Yes. I'm glad you did."  
  
He let Crowley have the bottle back. Crowley took another large gulp.  
  
"We've kept each other at arms-length. We don't have to anymore. I don't want to," he said.  
  
He handed the bottle back to Aziraphale, who took a sip and leaned into Crowley's side. Crowley took the bottle back and wrapped his arm around Aziraphale.  
  
"Will you stay?" Aziraphale asked. "Tonight, I mean."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Aziraphale smiled. They stayed curled up together, passing the wine bottle back and forth. And one when emptied it, Crowley turned the wine from Adam into something more palatable and they drank that one, too. At some point, Crowley's fingers ended up in Aziraphale's soft curls.  
  
"Soft," Crowley mumbled.  
  
They both laughed at that, tipsy off of the wine and the ability to be close to each other, to hold and touch each other finally. There would be time for more. Hand holding and kisses and cuddling in bed. All the things they hadn't let themselves have before that they finally could. For now, they relished in their closeness, sharing wine and laughter and love. 

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on tumblr [@5ftjewishcactus](https://5ftjewishcactus.tumblr.com/) or on twitter on my main [@5ftjewishcactus](https://twitter.com/5ftjewishcatus) or on my sfw gen fandom [@2ambiace](https://twitter.com/2ambiace) or my dbh [@asexualhankcon](https://twitter.com/asexualhankcon).


End file.
